You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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