im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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