Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
