You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
