I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
