i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
