Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
