Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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