Your face is a jimmy john
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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