Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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