I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
