Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
