You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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