I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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