Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
