You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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