I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
