My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
