Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
