i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think my tv is drunk
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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