You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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