Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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