They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We left the knife in your bed.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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