it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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