Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
