"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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