I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
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Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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