best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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