Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
