Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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