There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
