Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
