I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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