Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
