I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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