my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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