There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
