i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
