Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
