woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
