if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.