i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?