A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
