Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
