Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
