I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
