It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
