I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
