Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
