People with herpes should wear stickers.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
