kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
