i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
