IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
