At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
