hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
