Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Small penises have feelings too.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
