can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
