Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
