But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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